Whether you're a condo manager, on the board of directors, or simply another owner or resident, dealing with people who seem to complain constantly about everything can be a frustrating and sometimes beguiling experience for everyone.
You know the person.
You see them coming off at a distance, and already…you’re tired.
Just the sound of their voice makes a small part of you die a little on the inside.
Yup. It’s the chronic complainer. Nothing’s ever good enough for them. They love to focus on problems and ignore solutions.
Optimists see: A glass half full.
Pessimists see: A glass half empty.
Chronic complainers see: A glass that is slightly chipped holding water that isn't cold enough, probably because it's tap water even though I asked for bottled, and wait, there's a smudge on the rim, too, which means the glass wasn't cleaned properly and now I'll probably end up with some kind of virus. Why do these things always happen to me?
The constant negativity issuing forth from chronic complainers presents a huge challenge for those around them. And nothing makes chronic complainers happier than being more miserable than their friends. Trying to remain positive, motivated, and productive amid a constant stream of complaints and dissatisfaction can try anyone's patience, and negatively affect the entire condo community.
Don't Leak your Hate:
Easier said than done. If the very sight of the constantly complaining person causes you to sneer and roll your eyes, then the future of the entire relationship looks very bleak indeed.
Facial expression expert, Paul Ekman (he’s the guy the TV show, “Lie to Me” was based on) says that a contemptuous sneer is the single most dangerous human facial expression that one can make. His research shows that if someone were to see a photo of that facial expression, their bodies would physically recoil. Blood pressure and body temperature are affected. Their immune system would start to break down and fail. Just by looking at a picture of a facial expression!
Dr. John Gottman studies the marriage relationship. If he sees this expression on either spouse in any three to five minute interaction, he’ll predict a divorce within 15 years. If not, he’ll predict a happy marriage. So far, Dr. Gottman is 82% accurate.
The solution? Quit judging the message before it’s been delivered. Also, when you see that person coming, instead of sneering and “leaking” out your contempt, do an eyebrow flash.
Understanding the Chronic Complainer Mindset
Despite how difficult their complaints are for those around them, chronic complainers do not usually see themselves as negative people. Rather they perceive themselves as forever being on the losing end of things, and drawing the short straw on a daily basis. Therefore they see the world as being negative and themselves as merely responding appropriately to annoying, aggravating, or unfortunate circumstances.
Even those chronic complainers who do recognize their prodigious complaining output truly believe their unlucky lot in life more than justifies expressing their dissatisfaction to those around them. After all, it is they who have been saddled with more problems and misfortune than most.
Survival Tip #1: Do not try to convince a chronic complainer things are "not as bad" as they think they are or suggest they are "over-reacting" to events and situations. This will only compel him or her to mention 10 additional complaints or dissatisfactions you have not yet heard about, to give you a better understanding of how terrible their lives actually are
Understanding What Chronic Complainers Want
Chronic complainers complain to those around them because they seek sympathy and emotional validation. (See instructions about how to provide emotional validation like a champ.) In other words, they want you to validate their experience, to tell them that indeed their glass was chipped, that, yes, they were given tap water rather than bottled water and that, in fact, they should probably get a good night's sleep so they can ward off whatever germs were embedded in that smudge on the rim.
Survival Tip #2:The quickest way to extract yourself from a complaining soliloquy is to validate their feelings, express sympathy (which must sound sincere or it will not do the trick), and then redirect the complainer to the task at hand. For example, "The printer jammed on you again? Gee, that's incredibly annoying! I know it's hard to shrug off those kinds of things but I hope you can be a trooper because we really have to get back to the Penske file..."
Understanding what Chronic Complainers Don't Want
Most chronic complainers truly see their lives as full of hardship and challenge. (Some people's lives arefull of hardship or tragedy, but I refer here to people whose lives are actually not unusual in that regard). Chronic complainers' perceptions about their hardships are deeply embedded in their personalityand sense of identity. Therefore, although they tell others about their problems all the time, they are not really looking for advice or solutions.
Even when your advice would actually resolve a problem, chronic complainers will not be especially happy to hear it: Anything that takes away some recognition of their "hardship" will be experienced as threatening to their identity and even their sense of self. Therefore, they often respond to sound advice either by explaining why the suggestions won't work or by becoming upset that the person offering it doesn't understand how unsolvable their problem actually is.
People can become difficult when their needs are not being met. When kids don’t get what they want, it’s temper-tantrum time. Guess what? We never fully outgrow that.
We all have a deep need to be heard. We all want our vote to count and our voice to matter. When this is deprived of us, we tend to become difficult.
Consider our poor chronic complainer for a moment. This person is constantly being dismissed. Everyone says to them, “Stop being so NEGATIVE all the time.” or “You’re such a PESSIMIST!” Their only play is to respond with the classic, “I’m not a pessimist, I’m a REALIST.” In other words, “HEAR ME! What I’m saying MATTERS!”
The only reason anyone would need to complain about an issue multiple times is if they didn’t feel heard the first time. Is it possible that YOUR actions are causing them to feel unheard? Do you steal glances at your device (or watch) while they’re speaking? Do you offer solutions too quickly? Do you look at them over the top of your glasses? Are you nodding too fast? All of these factors and more might be CAUSING them to come back a second time to complain (and a third, fourth, etc.)
What’s the solution? Make them feel heard!
Survival Tip #3: In the majority of situations (there are some obvious exceptions), you should avoid offering advice or solutions and stick to sympathy and emotional validation. However, even chronic complainers sometimes encounter authentic problems and make legitimate complaints. In such cases, when distress is warranted, offer sympathy followed by brief but pointed advice and it will probably be accepted and appreciated.